Sunday, January 31, 2016

Chapter 5 of The WRONG KIND of DEAD: “Oyster Crackers” Part 6: “Elegy for the Better Part of Winter”

From the ALL-NEW, Yet-To-Be Proofed and Published FINAL BOOK of the SAGA of the DEAD SILENCER

PREVIOUS EPISODE: Chapter 5.5: “Eat the Neighbors”

The snow quit before dawn, but the sky was still overcast, and the solar panels weren’t pulling much juice. The mood was solemn as Elyssa and I left the mother-in-law cottage to take our places at the morning assembly.

As per custom, Elyssa stepped forward to announce the date, Sunday, the twenty-second of October. Agnes said everyone should hunker down, check their pipes, and remember it’s going to get much worse before it gets better. I stood in my usual place but when I stepped forward after the announcements to approach her, Agnes held up her hand as if to wave me away and walked quickly away to the house.

Elyssa got some toiletries out of her suite, but not much else. She spent that Sunday wearing one of my shirts. I had some 90% pure dark chocolate put back. We melted it into our coffee. I thought to myself, I wonder what the dead people are doing? and Elyssa laughed with me. She didn’t know what I was laughing about, and that made it even better.


The killing freezes came earlier than we’d thought. It wasn’t too bad, at first. Elyssa still kept the calendar for our camp and we had Thanksgiving at the main house, where a visibly pregnant Agnes announced over a dinner of bowshot wild turkeys that Elyssa and I should move back in. By this point Elyssa was pregnant, too, and though she was far from showing it, it was assumed.

On the coldest nights we all shared the same bed in Agnes’ room. It’s not as romantic as you might think, especially when you can see your breath in the air, and A.J. is there, too, because, good God, it’s that cold. Cold enough to crack stones, as a great American author once put it.

After Agnes gave birth to Damon, she decided I should move back to the middle room. This was barely a month ago. I’ve been spending most of my nights with Elyssa. Elyssa’s attitude is if I’m not sleeping with Agnes, I should be sleeping with her. Some nights, though, I just need a break from both.

Glory Hallelujah! The break I’ve been looking for hath manifested. Nothing like having to run for your life to put one’s interpersonal drama in its proper perspective.


Agnes snaps shut her second and last suitcase. “Okay, so I’ve got the basics for me, A.J., and the baby. Can you get your things together, or do you need me to go through Elyssa’s room for them?”

“No, it’s fine, I can get them.”

“It’s no problem. If Elyssa hasn’t packed up her own stuff already I’ll need to do that for her, too.”

“It’s done,” says Elyssa. She leans against the bedroom doorway, her bare feet stretched out to the other side, her full red lips smiling. “All I need to do now is get them outside.”

“Let’s call in the boys, then. Did you get his things packed?”

Elyssa looks at me, smiling coyly. “Oh? Is he coming with us?”


“Agnes, please,” she says. “Our man’s all taken care of.”

“That’s all I needed to hear. Now let’s get everything outside and in our trucks. What about the children?”

“I say they should keep sleeping until the helicopter comes.”

“Fine. Let’s get everything we can get out, out.”

Elyssa winks at me and goes back into the hall. I move to grab the suitcases from Agnes’ bed. “You don’t have to get those,” says Agnes. “Elyssa’s sending the boys in.”

“You said it yourself. Let’s get this stuff out. Which truck are we putting this in?”

“Dammit,” Agnes says. She looks about the room until she sees her keys. “I’ll have to unlock it,” she says, scooping them into her hand.

“Let’s go,” I say.

For the price of a happy hour drink you can enjoy many delirious hours slashing and shooting your way through the delightful hellscapes of my first two SAGA OF THE DEAD SILENCER books, available in Kindle and paperback from Severed Press. We commence the collapse of civilization in Bleeding Kansas, wherein our intrepid hero, Derek Grace, must survive a plane crash, combat with the undead at the local Wal-Mart, an exploding fire truck, a female hardbody assassin, and lots of walking dead people-things.

Book 1 has ONE exploding head
on its cover.

I’m told it reads even better in German. This edition from Luzifer Verlag also sports a hellacious one-of-a-kind cover courtesy of ace artist Michael Schubert:
You can buy this German version stateside here.
You know you wanna.

Book 2, Grace Among the Dead, steps up the game with a tale of love and redemption, the living dead, and a flame-throwing monster truck. We’ve got an arc going from decadence to...respectability?...for our hero. As close as it gets, anyway. You should savor this big book o’ hell while it lasts, because things are about to go completely to shit.
Book 2 has TWO exploding heads.
See the pattern here?

They’re also available in Canada and the UK.