Thursday, February 13, 2014

For My Readers in the American South: Are You Tired of the Snow?

I’ve got the power to banish that shit!

I urged my wife to take duty stations in Alaska and Colorado because I dig winters that look like classic winters as seen in the movies and in illustrations in books I read as a child. I’ve always wanted to live in a place where winter snow is the commonplace, not the exception. 

In three years in Alaska I saw one good three-footer snowstorm. One. In Colorado, the old-time locals drop their voices to speak reverently of the Albuquerque Low, when a system parks itself across the New Mexico/Colorado border. Its rotation supposedly brings up a nigh-limitless stream of moisture from the Gulf of California and the Pacific Ocean to fuel nigh-endless blizzards. As of last week I’ve lived in Colorado seven years and I’ve yet to see one of these. Frankly, I think it’s a myth to impress gullible tourists.

I’ve seen only one occasion when it snowed two days in a row, and that was a couple of weeks ago during the latest deep freeze. It was a freak event. I expect I’ll be lucky to see one more like it if I stay here another seven years.

I understand it’s been snowing for days in a row back in my native South. Some places have gotten a foot or more. It took us two weeks of on and off snow to accomplish a foot of snow in our yard for the first time since before we moved into our Colorado cottage seven years ago last Sunday. 

The big storms I see on the news always go out of their way to avoid me. Always! So if you live in the southeastern United States and you’ve had it up to here with the snow, then help bring me and my family back home. Ideally, I’d like to settle in South Carolina’s upstate, in the Traveler’s Rest, “Dark Corner” area up the road from Greenville. As soon as we get our credit cards paid down we can put our house on the market. 

The faster we do that, the faster we can move and banish snow from the South forever. 
Buy enough copies of this book
and I’ll shoot your next snowstorm in the head!

You can help by dropping as much as you can spare into the WePay or PayPal buttons on this page. You can also help by buying a copy of my zombie apocalypse novel, Bleeding Kansas, and encouraging everyone you know to do the same.

It’s this or the snow, people. Your choice.

Thank you, and here’s hoping your power stays on.