Thursday, February 20, 2014

Ass, Meet Chair!

Seriously, make yourself at home. ‘Cause you ain’t goin’ nowhere for a while....

Six inches of wet, heavy snow. It’s one of those days when I ask, “Do I really have to go anywhere?” and upon ascertaining, “oh hell no,” I shower, change into clean flannel pajamas, and wrap myself in my bathrobe. Time to go to work! 

All this and 80%-pure dark chocolate with my coffee are perks of the job, but these “perks” are actual necessities as I craft the climax and finale to Grace Among the Dead. As my 17-year-old son, with his inherited Aiken panache, describes it, I’m about to put in some major ass-hours in this office chair. (James would know, because “puttin’ down ass-hours” is how he’s made honor roll since 20 weeks old in the womb.) As of 24 or so hours ago all clocks are bullshit to me because this ain’t over until I finish it. 

I’m pages away from the Final Grudge Match/Ultimate Boss Fight with weaponized “alpha eaters” and a flame-throwing monster truck, and if do this right I’m going to need another shower before I pass out to get all the imaginary gore off of me. Which I won’t take, because I’m not going to sleep, only collapsing into unconsciousness until the next round. It’s ugly and grueling, but by God I will send February 2014 out with the biggest slap on its backside....
I’ll be right here, typing into a wireless ergonomic keyboard into a laptop sitting on braces I’ve installed in the wall. in the corner of our finished basement. Yes, I’m a “basement dweller.” What, I should do this in the fucking living room? The kitchen? First off, it’s MY basement, not my (long dead, thank God) parents’. I’m not morbidly obese, nor do I own a trilby (what Internet idiots mistake for a fedora). Moreover, I’ve been married for going on 24 years so fuck you and your stereotypes, you stereotypically smug Internet idiots!

I do wish to note for the record that, for all the places I have had a computer and a keyboard set up to write, from South Carolina to Illinois to Florida to California to Japan to Alaska to Washington state to Virginia, etc., this little underground corner in Colorado is where my real novel writing (as in, books begun and FINISHED) happened. I’m about to finish my third novel here. Right after I refill that big black coffee mug at lower left.